Seasonal Brews

Fashion is the true king of beers.

“This Autumn, It’s AAALLLLL about maple syrup!” says beer fashionista, Pepe Velázquez. He points out a new brew with a truly chic label. “This beer is a pale ale infused with dead leaves. It’s not particularly appetizing, but nowadays who really cares?”

Velázquez is a leader in the craft beer movement known as hopheads. According to hopheads beer isn’t about having flavor; it’s about being fabulous. He makes sense of it like this, “Drinking a beer just because you like how it tastes is like waking up in the morning and putting on clothes because they fit you. Beer like an outfit needs to have sass and it needs to have class.”

This season dark ales are big as are beers containing exciting flavors like aged pumpkin, acorn squash and maple syrup. Whether or not the flavors are good or not is irrelevant. Being as interesting as possible is what counts.

As Velázquez says, “When you are squeezing yourself into a pair of high heels do you think ‘this is uncomfortable’? No! You think, ‘With these heels on I will be beautiful and people will see me and they will think, ‘that man is beautiful.’ As will you drink a fall brew infused with pumpkin extract and ginseng and think ‘Sure… this does not taste so good but see how magnificent I look.”

As important as being interesting is being in season. “You wouldn’t wear white after Labor Day so why would you commit such a beer faux pas as drinking a winter brew when it’s only October,” explains Velázquez. “That’s like wearing a blue scarf in November. How ridiculous!”

Since our introduction, Pepe and I have begun talking about how to fix my style to be more in accordance with the hophead vogue. Thanks to him and the modern beer industry this autumn I’ll be in a pastel turtleneck sipping on a Rogue Mocha Porter out of a vintage champagne flute for maximum palette contact. Then, come winter, I’ll be at the local tavern in an Armani sleeveless Eskimo jacket drinking a Sam Smith’s Winter Welcome. Velázquez advises men everywhere to do the same “lest they look positively preposterous.”

I asked Velázquez what he thought of people who say beer is about style not about gimmicks and “fashion.” He responded with this, “How are breweries supposed to make money selling the same beer all year? Sell good beer?”

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